This post was written over 2 years ago ,I have never posted it , reading it now reminded me of those dark days .. when I had a suppressed voice , and couldn't really protest or simply object , this changed a bit now , the feelings are still strong and clear , but I came a long way in taming them , and most importantly , I have grew up that state of bewilderment and victim like state, and now I am actively using my mind before my tongue , and that's one important thing when it comes to marriage  .. i never finished properly , but I am leaving it as it is .. 

" It's been almost 9 years since the last time I posted anything at all .. almost a decade .. a whole life has happened and ended in that time .. a new person has emerged from all those different life experiences and obstacles  ..2 beautiful souls were produced .. that I'd protect with my life .. and my once solo life is now a family fully booked journey .. I often tend to forget to count my blessings .. and focus on the negative things that emerged into my life .. its only because it sucked up my energy and ability to live well and happy ..I feel that I can write whatever I want here .. i know for sure that after 9 years of silence no one would really care to read .. so lets say.. i am venting out ... because with time i've learned few things :

1- as true as the saying " misery loves company" but no one really likes to befriend a miserable person .. even your friends who would put up with your misery for as long as they can .. but eventually it'll push them away.. not to mention swamping your parents with all the awfulness that you've been through .. it will constantly put them in anxiety and fear for you and the progress of what should be your new and second life .. conclusion.. you have to suck it up .. and vent it somewhere else ..

2- Love .. is a state of mind that sometimes comes with an expiry date .. meaning .. when your drunk with fatal attraction, day dreams and assumptions of what will life be once you're together .. love is a cute word .. like this beautiful huge bubble that contains all sorts of peaceful things in it .. however , once the bubble bursts .. true colors appear , what once has been your best dream and finest person .. could be the one thing you want to run away from .. you wish to undo .. erase .. but .. you cannot just run away .. life doesn't really work that way .. not like movies .. really .. movies tricked you into believing that all beautiful things happen once your married and you can just face anything together .. but thats a total bull shit m excuse my french !

3- everything is bearable ... until in-laws are involved .. trust me on that one .. especially if your other so called half is hypnotized to believe that his life would be doomed and he'll be thrown into hell if he didn't take in his mother , whom is originally , living in her own house with her maid and with her own emotional and psychological issues  , and decided to simply combine her life with yours .. so after having her visiting constantly for 3 long months every year .. now she's inhabited your house .. and even worse .. you have to cook her always even if its your day off or day out .. and she's as slimy as slime .. oh ... I could go on on that for a full book ... simply .. cannot co inhabitant with her.. she'l like a slow venom to all daughter in laws .. but she doesn't care ... 

4- your kids .. are the only bright side on your story .. you'd give them your love and soul .. they're the only thing that makes you keep going .. they're precious .. so precious .. that doesn't mean that you don't find yourself sometimes wanting to trade them with your freedom .. however .. you know that you can't and they can't live without each others .."

Reflections of loneliness , love and boredom ..

(Reflection 1) ... Its 5:50 p.m. , 10 more minutes to pass and the day is over . She grabbed her handbag, went to her friend on the office across the hall, asked her what’s she’s up to this evening? her friend had some family related issue .So her company offer was denied . Smiling at her, she wished her colleague friend a nice evening , and headed to the elevator , back to home ..

(Reflection 2) ... 10:15 p.m. , his friend’s name blinking all over his mobile screen , he picked up the call , his friend asked him if he’s free tonight for their usual late night coffee ,drive and chat session .. he answered in surrender “yeah.. sure”. It was his choice to go out in that routine drive or to not , though , whether this or that , it all had the same taste , nothing really special ..

(Reflection 3)... It was approaching 9:30 when he looked at his watch, he was still in the office , digging between papers , trying to finish that work proposal , he didn’t feel time , it’s not that he enjoys his work to the extent to forget the outer world .. though, his world , inner and outer has became work .. everything seems the same , he felt alone whether between papers or people .

(Reflection 4) ... As the customer reached for his pocket, she asked “VISA or Cash sir ?” he answered VISA , she smiled automatically as he given her the card , she drew the money , gave it back to him , with his bag of purchases and waited for the next . The man , didn’t even bother to eye contact her .But she’s used to that . It’s part of the job, to practice being a talking piece of furniture, whenever required.

(Reflection 5)... The waiter came with the orders tray , she had her lemon mint juice , the girls around her were loud and laughs-full , everybody seemed to have a good time , she seemed to have a good time too , still , she didn’t know why that agitating feeling of nonexistence wrapped her even as she smiled at their jokes .


(Reflection 6) ... It’s almost noon , she has been staring at her computer screen for the past 4 hours , faking work , trying to read her work emails , forming the replies , without any success finishing anything . Her mind is diving somewhere out of this small cubical, somewhere sunny , breezy with a view to clear her tired eyes , mind and heart . and it wouldn’t harm if she met someone in that breezy sunny place , and it wouldn’t be too bad if it turned out to be the one . she sighed , and went back into staring at her computer screen.

(Reflection 7)...Dancing with the rhythm, his arms twirling her, she gave him big smile and moved along , the second the music changed he nodded his head , and went back to his seat leaving her dancing with another cousin in the wedding , giggles and laughs all around , his mother winking him with agreement about that girl , but his mind was away , far away with someone he didn’t meet yet , a lady he imagined to spend his life with , yet , he doesn’t seem to find her , anywhere .

Imperfections.. spices of personality

So .. its about time for another post .. been a while .. hasn’t it ?!

My friend and I were having a cozy chat the other day over some coffee , in the middle of the conversation , she said something that made me think , she said , people ,tend to look up the faults and imperfections instead of appreciating the personalization of flaws .

Humans .. are perfectionists by nature , we all aspire to get the perfect education , the perfect job , the perfect car , the perfect life and the perfect partner , its in our genes , but , when we look closer , we see that our lives and choices are further away from perfect , we try , we put the guidelines , and we take a look , then study , and measure , assess the good and bad , and then we announce our verdict .

It could be a valid procedure, when it comes to things that we buy , eventually , we need the value of our purchases to match what we have paid . But, when its non-purchasable value or entity, does the same method apply? As in , choosing friends or more precisely life partners ? Is it the same when we choose people whom we may think of as a possible partner? or is that if we fell in love , we no longer see imperfections ,We simply see what we want to see and forget all about those flaws we usually think of as a deal breaker ? So ,if its love , then no imperfections would be visible . But again, falling in love is the perfect case of finding the life partner, because , the real things is , far , far away ..

The thing is .. as we walk along the path of our lives ,and as we make our decisions , scan and sort people out , we should remember a small thing , that even though we aspire and believe that we deserve perfection in all what we intend to have and live with .. that still, we , ourselves, are far away from perfect .And that flaw s, those small imperfections ,personalizes us , as well as those around us , differentiate us and makes us simply , more spicy , unique and special .

Almost back ,,,

In a couple of months it will be almost a year .. Since the last time I typed a post and blogged it .. Why did I stop ? Was I too busy to blog ? well, at first yes , for a while I was overwhelmed with work and life , I couldn’t post anything and I also couldn’t read my favorite blogs . It could be bad time management issue as well .. of course , later on , things got calmer , and I felt guilty for not blogging anymore , and for some reason I felt like I lost my blogging sense ..

So! What have I been up to for the past year? well , had a busy year at work , and a busy summer , spent a cool vacation in Syria , Cairo , Petra & RUM . Autumn was kind of depressing on all levels, socially and work wise, for some reason I was relieved that 2007 came to an end, and looking forward for a new fresh start with 2008. Unfortunately , 2008 did not start as good as I anticipated , mid January , I got my car glass’s broken , and my laptop robbed from my car , while I was buying something from a nearby home Supermarket , the bad thing was , I did not have a backup for my work , but I could manage eventually . So that was the first incident! During February , I got almost mugged by two men while withdrawing money from a main street ATM , if it wasn’t for God’s mercy I would’ve had my money & probably my car stolen from me . Will tell you the full story in another post, apparently, this kind of robbery is a trend lately in Amman with prices inflation, so be aware!

I feel like I missed a lot in blogging world , and I feel out of practice , that’s why I hesitated to write again , and whenever I received another heartwarming comment from my friends among bloggers , I felt the urge to write again , and tonight I just did . My fingers feel rusty and my stream of thoughts is still a bit frozen , but I guess it’s a matter of couple of posts , and hopefully I’ll be back on track .

Thank you all .. I guess I am back!

Staying alive ..

I have finally written a vacation request , finally , after killing my self off in working , hard , staying late at work , missing my gym classes which has grown to be a routine for me in the past three years , passing through ongoing depression and frustration phases , stopping to believe in my abilities every now and then , and then again , recharge my powers to keep on believing in them , suffering an ugly moody state , missing the relaxed serenity of not worrying about anything after leaving work to home , spending weekends rehabilitating from the long tiring work days and surprising business trips , putting up with heavy kidding and “entertaining characters” , add to that , ugly competition . Finally, I’ll be able to take a break from this headache.

I realize that I am stealing those few moments of my work time to type down my thoughts, I have been wanting to do this for sooooo long, every time I pass through this state of repulsive depressed mood, I feel the need to vent it out into words, share it with my screen , for it wont get bored of my complain, which unfortunately affecting me in so many ways and which for some reason I cannot hide any longer .

Its surely not always as bad or frustrating, this style of vivid and speedy life isn’t always bad, it shows you what “precious time” mean, and you at some point get accustomed to it, however , its when you reach that point of taking no longer load , stress , suffering the delayed and pending success proves on your hard work , its then when you can no longer take it . It could be me , but for the past month and half , this cloud has been raining over my head showers of depression , frustration and self loathing .

Why?
It could because I’m always trying to prove myself to everybody around at work that I am capable of handling this , that I am , actually, the first female who is able to put up with all of this ongoing work load , and that eventually , the fruits of my hard work will have to grow big & sweet and all will enjoy a piece of it . And that I never accept defeat. when I started at this particular stream , I knew that pursuing this work will be a hard job , and I knew that it will take time , but I have also given myself a year to evaluate myself and see if I can handle the challenge .

Challenge, it’s the magical word that keeps your engines roar, your head high, and your footsteps steady and confident, that is of course , if you are up to it. And for me , it has been my only motivation , add to that those who has gambled that I wont make it and those who believed that I will make all of it, and every time I hear that I get more determined of going all through to the end , my goal is , cultivating those fruits , and then deciding if I can handle more of this war , or if I would be satisfied in winning a the battle and call it a challenge !

Going home .. blogging from Dubai Airport.

March was a total madness , out of 31 days I spent a little over two weeks traveling between more than 5 cities and three continents.

Went to Cairo , Beirut , Damascus , Dubai , Lahore and Islamabad .
Being on the road is really tiring , despite the fun of seeing things from a different angle , and trying different life styles and atmospheres , getting to know people of different cultures , but still , its very unstable .

We arrived to UAE two days ago , had a meeting in Abu Dhabi , stayed in it for the whole two days . the city is nice , a lot of towers , wide streets , many of you are probably familiar with that city style , yet it misses the coziness I simply love in Amman.
Anyway , for the past two nights , after finishing with our business meetings , we went on walks in the city , and visited two of the pronounced malls , however each time , I reach when its almost the closing time , so I did not get to do any shopping , which is somehow better for my pockets !

Right now I’m in the Dubai’s airport , thinking to check the duty free after finishing this post .
I have not blogged for a while , neither checked any of my favorite blogs , its just that one becomes anti-laptop when you connect the laptop to work all the time. So usually , the free hours you get are spent somewhere away from the work tools .. anyone can get my idea here ?

Anyhow , I guess I’ll finish here and call it a post . gotta run and check the duty free before the take off :).

Blogging from .. Lahore Airport

I wrote this post about two weeks ago , did not have the chance to blog it earlier though .. here you go :).

"I am not kidding , I am actually sitting here at Lahore’s Airport , its 07:44 A.M. Lahore local time . we are flying back to Amman with a stop over in Dubai on Emirates Airlines , we still have slightly over an hour for our flight to take off. We just had some local cappuccinos along with two chunky kitkat bars as our breakfast .
I am thinking how boring my life would’ve been at this moment without technology, having my mp3 playing songs in my ears , while I am typing those words.

So , the question I’ll be faced with once I am back to Amman ( which by the way I miss SO MUCH, an overwhelming feeling of missing has been dominating me all through this trip , as if I am light years away from my family and the surroundings I am familiar with. This was not the case with other trips , but maybe , since I am way far from home , I just cannot seem to come over this feeling.

My trip started about a week ago , flying from Amman , to Dubai , where I spent few hours in it , headed to one mall (City center) , then back to the airport to continue flying to Lahore-Pakistan . I had this anxiety which is a part of my traveling routine every time I go somewhere new , but this time . It was even more , since it was to a totally different type of country . I was full of worries and expectations during my way to there, which took me almost a whole day of traveling.

We arrived at Lahore that day , early morning , around 03:00 a.m. , city was calm , yet not totally a sleep , you could see cars . bikes and motor cycles in the streets. The next days we spent in business meetings , extensive ones , we did not get to make any site seeing. I was only able to see the city from behind the car windows. A city that is heavily populated , streets are dirty and chaotic , polluted heavy weather , many shacks, lots of Reksha cars and trash is everywhere . yet , despite all of that , the city is full of trees – which I think it would died without, with all of this pollution in the air - and they has nice looking houses , also some nicely shaped neighborhoods .

As I said the air is heavy and still , shaded in white , its partly humidity , but most of it goes back to the fact that their main fuel for cars and vehicles is gas and diesel instead petrol. Which trashes the air with this white nasty shadow, along with that killer odder it vents along.

The Pakistani people are nice , modest , and very simple. Every time we went to a meeting , someone would jump and ask “ is this your first time in Pakistan , I’d go ; YES ! then they’d ask , how do you find Pakistan so far ? and I’d go , its .. ummm… well .. interesting ! “ the truth is , I did not like it here, its a bit rough living for me , but , I was surprised with few things over here . one of them is the motor way between Lahore and Islamabad , very modern , nice rests along the way , and green is everywhere.
To conclude , I’d say it was quite an adventure to go there , I still have many quirks that I think I should write about one day . but lets leave that for another time. "

Blogging from .. Beirut !

Country : Lebanon – Beirut.
Blogging from : the Hotel Room .
Time : Almost midnight.

This past two weeks were out of my usual serene calm world I’ve always knew, mostly loud , hectic and so little rest or sleep.

I have arrived from Cairo on Friday, spent Tuesday in Damascus for two business meetings, and right now , I am in Beirut !!!!

I still cannot believe that all of this moving around is real. Me being in three different countries, in less than one week! Actually, if I extended the week into ten days , then they’ll be five countries !

I am suffering sleep deprivation, ongoing stress, God knows how many deadlines have to be met and follow up actions required , however the worst part of all is I barely see my family or my friends , I feel totally disconnected from the life I know . however , along with all of the above , a part of me is enjoying the adventure that comes with being in a different place every now and then .

The flight was quick and smooth; my neighbor was a Lebanese man, offering free information about Lebanon. I was planning to take a short nap during the flight, however, with the ongoing shouts & giggles of the young passengers sitting in front of me, and my friendly and talkative neighbor , my nap plan went down the drain.

I am supposed to wake up early tomorrow, we have one meeting , and then we are catching the afternoon flight back to Amman , which wont give us any chance to tour around . to tell you the truth I kind of hope to miss the afternoon plane and go for the night plane , to look around during the evening, but the idea of rolling my bag in the streets of Beirut is a bit unpleasant . I kind of feel disappointed a bit , thinking that I am in here Beirut , yet unable to see any of its places. But I guess I will have to come back on a vacation sometime.

I am starting to see numbers and pillows flying around the room , a side effect of sleep deprivation and a clear sign that tells me its time to sleep . So , I’ll hit the bed , and I shall be posting updates soon.