Thursday, June 28, 2007

Staying alive ..

I have finally written a vacation request , finally , after killing my self off in working , hard , staying late at work , missing my gym classes which has grown to be a routine for me in the past three years , passing through ongoing depression and frustration phases , stopping to believe in my abilities every now and then , and then again , recharge my powers to keep on believing in them , suffering an ugly moody state , missing the relaxed serenity of not worrying about anything after leaving work to home , spending weekends rehabilitating from the long tiring work days and surprising business trips , putting up with heavy kidding and “entertaining characters” , add to that , ugly competition . Finally, I’ll be able to take a break from this headache.

I realize that I am stealing those few moments of my work time to type down my thoughts, I have been wanting to do this for sooooo long, every time I pass through this state of repulsive depressed mood, I feel the need to vent it out into words, share it with my screen , for it wont get bored of my complain, which unfortunately affecting me in so many ways and which for some reason I cannot hide any longer .

Its surely not always as bad or frustrating, this style of vivid and speedy life isn’t always bad, it shows you what “precious time” mean, and you at some point get accustomed to it, however , its when you reach that point of taking no longer load , stress , suffering the delayed and pending success proves on your hard work , its then when you can no longer take it . It could be me , but for the past month and half , this cloud has been raining over my head showers of depression , frustration and self loathing .

It could because I’m always trying to prove myself to everybody around at work that I am capable of handling this , that I am , actually, the first female who is able to put up with all of this ongoing work load , and that eventually , the fruits of my hard work will have to grow big & sweet and all will enjoy a piece of it . And that I never accept defeat. when I started at this particular stream , I knew that pursuing this work will be a hard job , and I knew that it will take time , but I have also given myself a year to evaluate myself and see if I can handle the challenge .

Challenge, it’s the magical word that keeps your engines roar, your head high, and your footsteps steady and confident, that is of course , if you are up to it. And for me , it has been my only motivation , add to that those who has gambled that I wont make it and those who believed that I will make all of it, and every time I hear that I get more determined of going all through to the end , my goal is , cultivating those fruits , and then deciding if I can handle more of this war , or if I would be satisfied in winning a the battle and call it a challenge !