Blew it out

She blew it out, she blew it out for sure . Just like every other time someone tried to get closer. She always manages to get to this point were all her senses freezes. And were she gets defensive. She simply thinks that any attempt from anyone to get more acquainted with her is, fearful.

She was sitting in her office, staring at the screen in front of her , it was noon time , everybody in her office was out for lunch . However, she had no apatite. Her day did not start good. She did not have good night sleep either. Today simply feels like a long extension of yesterday. She tilted her head back in an effort of soothing her tired neck muscles, and she managed to close her eyes for few seconds, they are burning with exhaustion and lack of sleep. She rotated her chair towards the window so that anyone passing by her office door won't see her napping. And she tried to relax her body. Just for few minutes, she needs to concentrate in her report, she has a lot of figures to solve and distribute. She took a deep breathe , and folded her arms on her chest . But in few seconds, she realized that her attempt is useless, her thoughts were magnifying now, and his face is haunting the blackness scene of her closed eyes.

She drifted again in her thoughts .She believes that she has a serious problem when it comes to relations, she thought. She always manages to get friendly and pleasant with people around her, she knows how to build bridges, but she is surely more knowledgeable in how to ruin them if someone crossed a specific area , she usually have a good judgment of people whom she meets . But every time a guy approaches her and tries to get closer, she feels that her security ground is falling apart. She tries, but she always fails. She really feels like she wants to get to know this person . She wants to go for may be something further, but something always holds her back. And that was the case with him.

She knew him through her work, where she occasionally met with him in different events and meetings. She remembers first time she saw him , did not really leave a mark in her mind , back then , all she knew was him working closely within same domain as hers . The next time, he was attending this rally, she remembers that she was standing with some colleagues, when she heard someone saying "Hi Salma' , keifek ? " (Hi Salma , how are you ?) .. She turned to see who was greeting her, the voice was familiar to her ears, and she found him stretching his open hand to shake hers. Back then, he managed to keep close from her during lunch time, and he appeared to know some of her colleagues, so he joined the group table, and before the day ends, he made sure to give her his card and she of course had to give him hers in exchange. That day, she made this mental remark of this guy, nothing much underneath it, the words nice, humorous and gentle flashed in her mind. She ran up to him coincidently several times after that , in different occasions , business and randomly in her hang outs with her friends , her mental remark was fatting up now , she had much more other terms now , he is cute, lovely chatter , smart , elegant and extremely polite.

She always sensed something more behind his welcoming enchanting behavior when she was around , she caught him staring at her more than once , but as usual , with all childish idiocy of hers , she never matched back the look , she had this unbelievably annoying tendency of being shy and instant blushing , and she hated it when she blushed , and she thought that by never matching his look , that she is giving him more space , and that she is saving him and her from awkwardness of the gaze , she thinks now , she has always done that , she simply cannot get over this childish habit .

she grew fonder about him, every time she saw him. but never able to show her fondness. Her shyness and lack of relationships experience made it hard for her to let him see that she also cared. However , she thought he has to read her mind , he surely read it , even at that one time when he tried to ask her out and she refused , he had to understand that it was not about rejecting him , it was simply her shy nature , she deemed he understood her.
Not long after that, he stopped showing around, and coincidences of random meetings were not there anymore.

Months passed, she thought of calling him, but again, her shyness was her drawback, "what would she say? Will he care ? Where was he ? why is not he showing up or calling anymore ?" she remained perplexed with her thoughts , until yesterday's evening . She was out with her mother shopping around household stuff, when she recognized this tall figure by the far end of the show table, it was him! he was standing there examining some china , her eyes glowed and she was about to overcome her shyness and go to say hi , just to realize that he was not alone , or more like , he was no longer alone . There was a nice looking girl standing next to him, holding his hand picking up the China with him. It was only then , when she saw , that she was too late and he was no longer available .

Someone knocked on the open door; she opened her eyes and turned her chair back facing the comer, ah, office boy delivering some mail envelopes to her. She thought she needed a cup of coffee to sober, But she headed first towards the toilet, washed her tired face and cupped her eyes with her iced water filled hands , trying to disguise tears she no longer was able to hold , going back to square one in her thoughts .. She surely blew it.