Thursday, September 14, 2006

Blew it out

She blew it out, she blew it out for sure . Just like every other time someone tried to get closer. She always manages to get to this point were all her senses freezes. And were she gets defensive. She simply thinks that any attempt from anyone to get more acquainted with her is, fearful.

She was sitting in her office, staring at the screen in front of her , it was noon time , everybody in her office was out for lunch . However, she had no apatite. Her day did not start good. She did not have good night sleep either. Today simply feels like a long extension of yesterday. She tilted her head back in an effort of soothing her tired neck muscles, and she managed to close her eyes for few seconds, they are burning with exhaustion and lack of sleep. She rotated her chair towards the window so that anyone passing by her office door won't see her napping. And she tried to relax her body. Just for few minutes, she needs to concentrate in her report, she has a lot of figures to solve and distribute. She took a deep breathe , and folded her arms on her chest . But in few seconds, she realized that her attempt is useless, her thoughts were magnifying now, and his face is haunting the blackness scene of her closed eyes.

She drifted again in her thoughts .She believes that she has a serious problem when it comes to relations, she thought. She always manages to get friendly and pleasant with people around her, she knows how to build bridges, but she is surely more knowledgeable in how to ruin them if someone crossed a specific area , she usually have a good judgment of people whom she meets . But every time a guy approaches her and tries to get closer, she feels that her security ground is falling apart. She tries, but she always fails. She really feels like she wants to get to know this person . She wants to go for may be something further, but something always holds her back. And that was the case with him.

She knew him through her work, where she occasionally met with him in different events and meetings. She remembers first time she saw him , did not really leave a mark in her mind , back then , all she knew was him working closely within same domain as hers . The next time, he was attending this rally, she remembers that she was standing with some colleagues, when she heard someone saying "Hi Salma' , keifek ? " (Hi Salma , how are you ?) .. She turned to see who was greeting her, the voice was familiar to her ears, and she found him stretching his open hand to shake hers. Back then, he managed to keep close from her during lunch time, and he appeared to know some of her colleagues, so he joined the group table, and before the day ends, he made sure to give her his card and she of course had to give him hers in exchange. That day, she made this mental remark of this guy, nothing much underneath it, the words nice, humorous and gentle flashed in her mind. She ran up to him coincidently several times after that , in different occasions , business and randomly in her hang outs with her friends , her mental remark was fatting up now , she had much more other terms now , he is cute, lovely chatter , smart , elegant and extremely polite.

She always sensed something more behind his welcoming enchanting behavior when she was around , she caught him staring at her more than once , but as usual , with all childish idiocy of hers , she never matched back the look , she had this unbelievably annoying tendency of being shy and instant blushing , and she hated it when she blushed , and she thought that by never matching his look , that she is giving him more space , and that she is saving him and her from awkwardness of the gaze , she thinks now , she has always done that , she simply cannot get over this childish habit .

she grew fonder about him, every time she saw him. but never able to show her fondness. Her shyness and lack of relationships experience made it hard for her to let him see that she also cared. However , she thought he has to read her mind , he surely read it , even at that one time when he tried to ask her out and she refused , he had to understand that it was not about rejecting him , it was simply her shy nature , she deemed he understood her.
Not long after that, he stopped showing around, and coincidences of random meetings were not there anymore.

Months passed, she thought of calling him, but again, her shyness was her drawback, "what would she say? Will he care ? Where was he ? why is not he showing up or calling anymore ?" she remained perplexed with her thoughts , until yesterday's evening . She was out with her mother shopping around household stuff, when she recognized this tall figure by the far end of the show table, it was him! he was standing there examining some china , her eyes glowed and she was about to overcome her shyness and go to say hi , just to realize that he was not alone , or more like , he was no longer alone . There was a nice looking girl standing next to him, holding his hand picking up the China with him. It was only then , when she saw , that she was too late and he was no longer available .

Someone knocked on the open door; she opened her eyes and turned her chair back facing the comer, ah, office boy delivering some mail envelopes to her. She thought she needed a cup of coffee to sober, But she headed first towards the toilet, washed her tired face and cupped her eyes with her iced water filled hands , trying to disguise tears she no longer was able to hold , going back to square one in her thoughts .. She surely blew it.

26 comments:

LotusGem said...

That is a beautiful read.

Try to rewrite it in Arabic as well. Arabic is a deeper language and very well suited for such a story.

Summer said...

Seizing the opportunity was the smart thing she could have done...she blew it!! "The perfect match" does not come into life often...You think she feels stupid?
i enjoyed reading although i feel that the scenario plays a lot in real life.

Abdullah said...

I think it does play a lot in many people's lives, including ourselves.

It can be the other way around as well, where the man is shy, and he will get hints and still not paying attention, and once he finally does, its too late. she is gone.

We deal with this by using the word "Naseeb" for to reason such Blew Ups.

(Tealover) said...

LotusGem ,

Thank you .. I wish if I can re-write it in Arabic , it has been way too long since I wrote anything in Arabic, but you may have a point , I could try and see.

Summer ,
I guess she should've seized it . the story is very related to real life , and it has happened one way or another to different people whom I know , I simply wanted to show what might/could be going on a girl's mind in such a situation , I am not sure if I was very clear in showing it though , you , the readers , are the judge of that :) .

Glad you enjoyed it.

Abdullah,

Yes, it does.. as I mentioned in my previous comment to Summer , and as far as I know , it happens to a lot of us in different stages of life . and as you said , for both men and women , man can be shy as well, and he would also waste the chance . It does need some courage :), which we may lack , which is why it never goes the way we want. Yes , it is Naseeb after all.

Summer said...

Abdulla, Naseeb, it is true, but what if the girl gets the boy and be happy, would this still be called a blew up?? i do not think so!
taking risks in life in EVERYTHING is worth trying...be sure that regret will come to our mind but when things clear up we realize that taking that risk was worth while...
i had a feeling that your story is very true and yes you were able to transfe the feelings and thinking of the girl in the story..good job :)

(Tealover) said...

:) oh well ... life is the best store to shop for stories .. sometimes the most unimaginable stories can happen !

the caller said...

Asalam 3alaykom,
danah..very well written..i could actually feel the ice on the eyes because i did that before..i saw it dear..thanks for giving me something to read..

Now, i second summer..i related to the awkward feelings yet i have to give it my very best shot..i wanna claim happiness cause i knew recently that no one gives it to u..
If i ever know that he's willing..blowing it can never be MY choice..
may allah grant you happiness danah:)and me..and all of us:):)

Qwaider قويدر said...

Ahhhh, this reminds me of a poem I wrote, a million years ago ...
Many women don't realize that there are decent guys out there. In fact, there are more decent guys than there are assholes. But we're all raise to raise shields the minute something becomes near and dear to our hearts! And we don't relize it till it's gone... poof ... too late
The situation you described of the guy. Was that guy who's under a lot of pressure from his family to get married. (don't ask me how I got to that conclusion) And he saw her, and was serious about it. But needed some time and a little opertunity to get closer ... Nope, shields up, set course to the next galaxy, lightspeed ... engage
Then, a bit by bit.... it all came back to her... was she stupid? Yes, but socially. At least, she was undevelopped. Poor arab women

(Tealover) said...

the caller ..

The thing is ,sometimes , people never know until it's too late .. maybe, we are somehow raised not to take things seriously , unless if they were backed up with actions we relate to as serious

well ..she surely shouldn't have blown it .. But again .. This is a story that happens almost every day..
You are such a Dear :) thank you for the good wishes :) .. inshallah for all of us ..

Samer known as Qwaider :)

This is the thing, when you mingle with women here, the feeling on insecurity towards guys is overwhelming.. Sometimes to the limit that girls wont ease up because of what they have heard or the bad experiences they've been through.. Which is why again they may imagine that the decent guys are much less than what they wish for.

She could be socially undeveloped or overly shy , to a hideous extent to make her blow chances , I would blame her , but at the same time , I could find her an excuse because as you said "we're all raise to raise shields the minute something becomes near and dear to our hearts"

ABOUD said...

That was really very nice written.

I think that we should not loose a grip on whom we think that might be the one.

Regretting doing something is always less painful than not doing it.

"What if" is the worst thing that we can live with.

Reem said...

Nice, I enjoyed it very much!

ABDULLAH said...

Revisiting the issue again, I feel that sometimes what she did cannot be avoidable. She cannot lower her guards as fast, and indulge in a relationship. As a matter of fact, it would be foolish if she did otherwise. Coming from the Men side, I know how men think. Men are hunters by nature, and can extend that to their personal life dealings with women. That does not men will behave irresponsible. Islam is the only way to moderate this instinct in a man and control it.
So the best basis for a woman to select her mate and love is under the scrutiny of her family, who loves her and will make sure she will not be hurt or used, and she will get who she wants with no imposing.

If you have a daughter Danah and other responders I am sure you will agree with me.
I have revisited this issue again, because the first time I was on the men side of the fence, this time I am on the woman side of the fence.
Love is beautiful and great provided its reared under the 7alal environment.
Aboudi (as there is another Aboud :) )

Tamara said...

Danah

That was a very nice read. socially undeveloped people do face the problem you have described...but so do naturally shy people, not all people are very out going and easy to deal with others...well its at the end naseeb !! but sometimes we have to do our part in things : ) to give it a push ; )

the part of today just being a long extension of yesterday ...is an amazing sentence I so feel it sometimes

(Tealover) said...

Aboud ..
Thank you :) ..
Indeed what if is the worst of all .. But we simply should move on.. And believe in one thing .. if this person was meant to be for us , then union is destined .. and if union is not destined then this person is by all means wrong for us .. but we may see him/her right at the moment .

Reem ..
Thank you .. I am glad you stepped by :) hope it wont be your last visit.

Abdullah ..
I'd see us mixed up in thoughts and decision towards such issue.. I wrote a story :) we all ended up analyzing it .. yet.. it is so related to real life , that it could be a real situation

If I had a daughter I would be protective of her .. But I may want her also to feel the ease of taking her choices for the new life she may lead .. with my support and watching eye , where I could give her the freedom that wont oppose the ethics , morals and of course Islamic rituals . And unfortunately , these days , nor men neither women are making such acquaintances and decisions easy with the chaos of molars around .

Tamara :)

Hehehe .. you are sooooooo right , I guess we should do out part in order to push things a head sometimes .. not over doing it though .. but , what's the criteria ?! we blame such behaviors but we can find excuses ..
I too .. hehehe felt so right to put within !

Tamara said...

Danah

for me the criteria is very well defined in every aspect, its the Islamic criteria, you will be amazed at how moderate and great our religion is and how stale and ridged are our social norms.

: ) hey saida 5adija went as far as sending her friend to the profit Mohammad SAW, how is that for pushing things ?

(Tealover) said...

Tamara ..

I have to say .. that's one great example :) ..af7amteeni ! but would guys of the present time interpret this the same way sayedna Mohammad SWA did ..

Anonymous said...

this is very nice..and very sad.

(Tealover) said...

Thank you Gardenia .. and welcome to my blogspot ..

Qwaider قويدر said...

:(
Yalla danah ... I'm waiting for the next article ... :'(. It's been a while. And I miss reading something new for you

(Tealover) said...

Sure Samer .. I will soon inshallah .. once I decide on subject , or better yet , I'll write them all down 8) .

Tamara said...

Danah

Kol saneh o inti salmeh ya rab ...ramadan mubarak 3aleki : )

As for would the guys accept, hmmm well they don't need to know the game ; ) some one could say hey what do you think of " folaneh" you seems to have things in common.

you know something in that direction : ) tdaa he has no clue you set the whole thing up but at the same time sees that you actually exist and the friend can say if you are interested I can see if she is interested as well, you know where I'm going with this. try it o id3ili : ) lol

By the way what do the male bloggers think of this, women taking the first step ? would you see throuh the sharade ? that's a post idea for you there Danah : ) keef ana ma3ek elyom

Kisses

Summer said...

Danah, you are just too lazy!! i am sure a lot goes on your mind but you do not seem to post it...yalla, waiting for your next post..soon!

(Tealover) said...

LOL Hey Tamara .. o enti salmeh ya rab .. oh well .. I can see that happening .. and you know what .. you have triggered my imagination .. may be I will post something about that ;) !

7ader ya Summer .. I know I am :) you can give me a credit for one thing though ..I admit that all the time !!
.. LOL inshallah very soon .. Tamara has just given me an idea .. I'd better start sharpening my mind ..

deenie said...

Hi tea lover :)

Just wanted to say we've definitely all been in that boat :( some of us more than others! hehe. Please keep the blogs coming, because you are definitely a gifted writer

Tamara said...

Danah

waiting : )

(Tealover) said...

deenie :) ..
welcome to my blog spot .. I guess yeah .. we've all been there .. thank you for your sweet words :).

Tamara ..
Hopefully in a couple of days :)